Grief in Guilt

Today I met a woman accused of killing her long term boyfriend.
It had happened a couple days ago, with a knife, during an argument.
She was tearful and quiet, sad, in mourning.
Mourning the loss of her companion, her "best friend" she called him,
"We did everything together".
She missed him so much, despite the ongoing abuse.
She missed his company, the good times, the hanging out together, the intimacy.
Her grief was no different and no less poignant than any other person's loss,
It was bottomless and all encompassing,
It hurt to the depths of her soul, although the death was her doing.
The words were no different than those I have heard over the years,
the sadness and loss perhaps deeper because of the guilt.
I longed to reach out to her, to put my hand on her shoulder, even to put my arms around her,
but I couldn't, although I think she knew that I understood her and that I saw her pain.
A different kind of grief, a strange and cold setting,
A place where there is no forgiveness or understanding,
but in that moment, we were two women, two humans,
sitting in each other's company, remembering her boyfriends life,
Able to feel the sadness and longing, without the guilt.